my letter for u...

im in pain!!

the day when my dad died, i dont feel anything, just empty , nothing that i wanna do, nothing could make happy, just a fake smile that i gotto give when people were all saying their condelences.

"oh BUDI , IM Ssorry BOUT YOUR DAD, evrythings will be alright"
" your dad is happy now, he is in a better place"
"something good would come from it"

FOR GOD sake!
" AAARGGGGHHH JUST FUCKING SHUT UUP "
AND LEAVE ME ALONE "

BUT now im feeling the pain much more
" everytime i got home from uni , he asked to brough him food"
" he asked me to give him a massage "
" he asked to go to pharmany to by a Balm, for his back "
" i saw him sitting on the table, and asked me to make him tea"
" he asked me to Go to the beach with him "
" he asked me what u wanna eat today "

" he asked to by by him shampoo, so i give it whats mine "
" He asked me to go shopping at the mall "
" he called me late at night, from his room, just knowing where i am"
" HE CAlled me late at nigth, asking for food"
" he asked me to go to the office to do some errands"
" he asked me to pick him up at hospital every tuesday and thusrday"

" he sked me to pick him up from the office, so we could eat dinner together"
" he always defended me, when mom angry"

dad i miss u so bad, i went home 4 years ago to take care of youjust for u! why d hell did u go so fast.

" u havent see me getting married"
" u havent got to see ur grandchild from me"
" u havent see me graduated"
" u havent see me work by my self, without ur help"
" i haven take u to HONGKONG,where we playing gambling together like in malay"
" u havent see me as a successful man, where u give freedom to choose my own way"

now since u left, everyday mom and sis always blaming me for everythingand no one defended me like u used to be,.

where we always sneak out during lunch, talk and eat at much as we could at Padang raya"

"im sorry i couldnt find u a better doctor
"a better hospital "
"a better treatment".

right now im still looking my way to be better, to be more successfulllike u always wanted, i know is hard but i will never give up easyly.

even that im alone right now, i dont give shit about all that, no shit at all!

my promise to you is the only thing that kept me going right now!!rest in peace dad!!love u all my life, and im sorry if i alway letting u down"